When Kids Fight
It's hard to listen to kids who fight. Parents feel frustrated, angry, and often helpless. They feel irritated because they have to decide when to ignore fighting (which is most of the time) and when to try to stop it (not often). Usually kids fight less if adults:
- Don't compare kids to one another ("If he can do it, so can you.") Comparisons make kids feel as if they are competing and they are more likely to fight.
- Ignore as much fighting as possible. If you pay attention to fighting, kids learn they can hook you into their problems. Let them learn to solve their own problems.
- Don't try to find out how a fight started or who started ("All right, who hit who first?" or "What did you do to her?") Each one will blame the other. If necessary, separate the fighters for a few minutes.
- Let kids say their feelings ("I hate my brother." "I feel like bashing him." "I wish he'd never been born."). These feelings are normal and will not go away because you say you don't want to hear them. Let kids know their feelings are okay ("I can tell you're really angry with him"), but hitting someone is not okay.
- Give kids permission to do something to get their angry feelings out (hit a pillow, swing a stick at an old tire in the yard) in ways that won't harm anyone.
- When kids are hitting each other, you can say, "We don't hit: I'll give you one minute to solve the problem without hitting" or "You have a choice. You can stop fighting and keep playing the game or you can put the game away until you're ready to play it without fighting." If this doesn't work, or if the fighting starts again, say "I can see you're still not ready." Take the game away, saying , "Perhaps you'll be ready later." When they ask for the game back you may say, "I'm glad you're ready to play together now."
- Set a good example. Don't hit your children or anyone else when you are angry.
- Praise kids and hug them when they cooperate with each other. Praise them for solving their own problems.
Violence teaches violence. Forget about hitting kids.
